Rock n' Roll Morals

SPEAKER: Good afternoon. I'm speaking live from Harvard University, where I'm attending a conference panel entitled 'Artistically-inclined Rock Singers Heinously Outraged at Liberal Explicitness' (ARSHOLE).

On the panel are ex-Poison singer Brett Michaels; ex-Soundgarden singer Chris Cornell; and current AC/DC singer Brian Johnson. Greetings, gentlemen.

ALL: Good afternoon.

SPEAKER: Let's start with you, Brett. How did ARSHOLE start?

BM: Well, we in Hair-metal, Hard Rock and related subgenres are tired of being willfully misinterpreted, and hence marginalised, by an increasingly coarse public.

SPEAKER: Care to elaborate?

BM: Certainly. I'm talking about the alarming tendency of the mainstream media to read unintended messages into our lyrics.

SPEAKER: Could you provide an example, Mr. Michaels?

BM: One of Poison's records, 'Open Up and Say...Ahhh!', was purposefully (I believe) characterised as a reference to an - in my view - deviant sexual practice.

SPEAKER: I see. And what was the record intended to be about?

BM: My desire to become a doctor.

SPEAKER: A...doctor?

BM: Yes.

SPEAKER: How long have you had this wish?

BM: For as long as I can remember. Since I was a child, definitely.

SPEAKER: You got waylaid, then?

BM: You could say that. I 'fell in with the wrong crowd', as the cliche goes - a crowd that seemed to think that injected illegal substances and cheating on one's current partner constituted a valid life plan.

SPEAKER: Did you find that your personality was altered as a result of the company you kept?

BM: Yes, regrettably. There is a certain post-performance demographic known as the 'groupie', for example...

SPEAKER: Please go on.

BM: ...a term which refers to a tradition where members of the band retreat to their trailers for meaningless sexual encounters with uncommitted women. After these experiences, I invariably felt cheapened. None of them wanted to discuss the music. There were times when thoughts of my poor wife almost prevented me from going on stage.

SPEAKER: Mr. Cornell, would you care to comment on this disturbing trend?

CC: I had a similar experience during the recording of our album 'Louder Than Love'. I spent several months crafting a song about the difficulties of empathy.

SPEAKER: What was the song called?

CC: 'Swallow My Pride'. As should be obvious from the title, it's about the desire of a caring partner to inhabit their loved one's subjective experiences.

SPEAKER: And the media attacked you?

CC: They distorted the song's meaning to suit their own perverted ends. [Transcriber's note: voice starts to quaver at this point]. I can't even say out loud what Kerrang! magazine claimed it was about. Sometimes I think Axl Rose was right about them. They misinterpreted him, too.

SPEAKER: And these misunderstandings dogged you throughout your career?

CC: Of course. There was a song called 'Mailman' on our album 'Superunknown', which contains the couplet:
'I know I'm heading for the bottom/
But I'm riding you all the way.'
That song was never the same for me after the critics got to it.

SPEAKER: What was 'Mailman' intended to be about?

CC: I would have thought it was obvious: it is a song about my appreciation for the good work done by the US Postal Service.

SPEAKER (Hesitant): So...how would you explain the 'riding' reference?

CC: That part is a dialogue between a postman and his van, spoken while riding down a hill. When I used to watch 'Postman Pat' as a child, I always thought that Pat looked happiest when riding down a hill in his smiling van. It's a love song, I guess.

SPEAKER: Thank you. Finally, Mr. Johnson: You believe that your quartet has been especially hard done by?

BJ: Without a doubt.

SPEAKER: Ok. I'll read out several of your song titles, and you can tell the audience what the actual - as distinct from the perceived - subject matter is.

BJ: I'd be glad to.

SPEAKER: Let's begin. 'Givin' the Dog a Bone'?

BJ: That's about my toy poodle, Latifah.

SPEAKER: 'Big Balls'?

BJ: That's about my ten-pin bowling career.

SPEAKER: 'Sink the Pink'?

BJ: That's about my hobby - billiards.

SPEAKER: 'Let me Put My Love Into You'?

BJ: That's about sharing cupboard space after getting married. It's a difficult issue.

SPEAKER: 'Cover You in Oil'?

BJ: I like to cook roast chicken. It's self-explanatory.

SPEAKER: Thank you, Mr. Johnson. May I ask you all what you're working on at the moment?

BM: I'm writing a concept album about the urgent need to reform the American Medical Association.

SPEAKER: Do you have a title?

BM: 'Spreadeagled'. That's a reference, of course, to the American Eagle - standing in for the country as a whole - and how thinly its resources are currently spread due to lack of healthcare reform.

SPEAKER: Mr. Cornell?

CC: I'm trying to repair the damage done by the previous reaction to my work, by recording a rock opera about the doomed love between a horse and a unicorn.

SPEAKER: What is this album called?

CC: Its working title is 'Impaled on my Massive Horn'. I think that brings the pathos of the subject through quite well.

SPEAKER: And you, Mr. Johnson?

BJ: AC/DC are recording a new single especially for ARSHOLE.

SPEAKER: Entitled...?

BJ: 'Tits Tits Tits'.

SPEAKER: What is this one about?

BJ: The joys of ornithology.