A Great Party Rebuilds

Speaker: Bobby Jindal, Gov. Louisiana (Repub.)

Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen. [Applause].

I'll cut to the chase. Speak plainly. We got whupped out there last November. [Pause - no response] More whupp-oed than Jesus! [Pause]. Y'know, in 'The Passion of the Christ'!
[EVANGELICALS applause. The other person in the hall is silent.]

So - here we all are. The Republican party base. And to think those Dems said that we could hold our conventions in a phone booth! [Loud boos, jeers]. Well. I'd hardly call the Lynchburgh Pre-kindergarten Recreation and Rumpus Room a f***in' phone booth, would you?!

I'm sorry, mother.

I have been called upon to reconstruct the party's philosophy after - I'm speaking carefully here, y'know? - after that b****ard stole the f***in' election. I'm sorry - won the election. Are them words perty enough for you, Frank Rich?

In order to win the next election, we have to reaffirm our principles. Go back to what made this party great.

VOICE IN CROWD: Slavery? [confused murmurs]

JINDAL (flustered): Ah, no, no. Calm down.

VOICE IN CROWD: Gays out of the army!

JINDAL [amidst wild cheering]: I want, uh, real suggestions here. What are we gonna do next time? We can't just front up to the American people and say: 'No more gays!', can we? Folks? (Laughs nervously).

CROWD: No more gays! No more gays! No more gays!

JINDAL: Ah, yes - four more days! Four more days! I hear ya. Be quiet now. What do we like? Let's try and get a basic framework drawn up here. I'll draw a mind map. Republican Party: For. Anyone?

CROWD MEMBER: Playstation 3!

CROWD MEMBER: Twinkies!

CROWD MEMBER: Penthouse!

CROWD MEMBER: Han Solo!

CROWD MEMBER: Fartin' in my jacuzzi!

JINDAL: Right, right. Do we have any more, well, more policy-based suggestions? [Silence]. Ok, what don't we like? Reach deep into your conservative hearts - in the grand tradition of Edmund Burke and William F. Buckley Jr. - and tell me what we're AGAINST!

CROWD MEMBER: Hard words!

CROWD MEMBER: Weird food!

CROWD MEMBER: Spectacles!

CROWD MEMBER: Pussy little asian cars!

JINDAL (writing furiously): Hang on...pussy...little...cars...ok. We have, well, a lot of material here. A heckuva lot of material. We are gonna be a force to be reckoned with again. Hands up who want some Robin-Hood-equal-opportunity guy stealing our money while we're asleep? Huh?

CROWD MEMBER: You mean Jesus? [Hysterical whoops and screams. All hands go up.]

JINDAL: No - that's not who I meant, people! Hands up who like bad democrat man? [All hands go down].

That's the ticket. Those dems and their 'brains trust'. All that thinkin'! Well, we got a brains trust, too! Our very own brains trust! I am excited about the future of the Republican Party, people. Very excited. You'd better watch your back, Democrats!

CROWD MEMBER: I'm hungry.