Rejected Inauguration Speeches

Although Obama's inauguration speech was co-written by the 27-year-old Jon Favreau, a number of speechwriters were reportedly under consideration for the task.

An envelope with two speeches, apparently rejected, was found on the lectern by an observant cleaner after Obama had finished speaking. They are reproduced in their entirety below.

REJECTED SPEECH #1:
'A Happy Day for Rapacious American Imperialist Dogs'
By John Pilger, author of 'Napalm America!'

Welcome, Americans, and thank you for taking time off from your sweatshop-exploiting purchasing frenzies to attend today.

I am being sarcastic, of course: I do not wish to thank any of you. This is because you have not participated in the democratic process.

Last November, you voted for, and "elected" [remember air quote gesture here] one candidate only: the dollar. None of you participated in anything resembling a democratic process. Voting, for you appalling bottom-feeding scum, is simply a process of electing your favourite mass murderer. Every ballot cast was like a dagger in the heart of someone from South-East Asia that you don't care about, and who probably made your shoes.

You all disgust me, but worse - you profoundly scare me. A goose-stepping cavalcade of heavily tranquilised matrix-monkeys would show more independence of thought than you violent, somnambulistic, bloodthirsty goons.

I stand before you as the perfect Manchurian Candidate. I will dedicate myself to achieving your depraved, violent goals - shovelling cash into the gaping maws of murderous client states.

The slogan for my presidency should have been 'Yes, I can' - as you have no wills of your own. And do you think electing my Doppleganger would have made any difference whatsoever, you Imperialist pawns?

So, repeat after me, automatons.

Overthrowing democratically elected governments? [Crowd will respond: 'Yes, you can.' Pause for laugh here.]

Cutting swathes of destruction through the ranks of our "enemies"? [again, remember menacing scare quotes here. Crowd will respond: Yes, you can.]

Using the blood of innocents as a delicious breakfast condiment and licking your lips afterwards? [Crowd will respond: Yes, you can.]

Thank you, rabble. You disgust me.


*

REJECTED SPEECH #2: 'Stop Voting for Nazis, you Pussies!'

By Daniel Pipes, author of 'Can't We Just Move the Arabs to Syria or Someplace?: Notes Towards a Solution to the Middle Eastern Conflict'.

Thank you, fellow Americans, for electing a closeted Islamo-Fascist to the White House. A 'negotiator'. [sneer here].

As everyone knows, negotiators love the Nazis. Underneath my stars and stripes lapel pin is a swastika - but you were all too appallingly stupid to notice. Blinded by your lazy liberal love of hummus and falafels.

Well, I love a falafel as much as the next guy - but you can't run foreign policy on the principles of a delicious deep-fried vegetarian chickpea-based snack.

The fact is, residents of the greatest country that the universe has ever known, you've been sold down the river by a bunch of liberals. Again. Idiots. All that stuff about 'love' for other countries - is that what you were expecting today? There are no other countries - only enemies. And most of these enemies speak other languages. Funny languages that don't make sense. And you should never trust someone who speaks funny. Have you people learned nothing from Liberace?

To my solutions. Our defence budget is far too small. Next year, every child will get a free handgun, their parents a free F-16. For America's strength cannot be summed up in its people, or its ideals, or its diversity. Our strength is in our military, eggheads. You know, in strong stuff. Made of steel. (I honestly can't believe I have to explain this.)

For those who think 'the pen is mightier than the sword', or some other defeatist crap: watch this. [Take bic cystal ballpoint pen and machete out of briefcase here; pulverise former with latter.] Bullshit!

We have been losing wars because we are weak. Korea? Not enough guns. Vietnam? Not enough choppers. Iraq I? Not enough remote controlled missiles. Iraq II? Not enough Hummers.

It's time to get real, America, so we can win this thing. [Spit in disgust here.]

See ya.