The Bonds of Childhood

As an impressionable youth, I saw the opening sequence of a James Bond film. I don’t know which one it was, but it was definitely my first Bond, and mighty exciting it was too. Bond was running around a jungly obstacle course, being attacked by people with paintball guns for some reason. Bond rolled, ducked and dived with such Bondlike efficiency that his pursuers never had a chance. At the conclusion, Bond opened his violin case (he was carrying one for some reason – perhaps auditioning for the Philharmonic after the casual slaughter), pulled out a Tommy gun or something similar, and started brutally killing his paintball opponents with it. Hurray! Not very nice, not very fair – but dynamite when you’re four.*

I was very excited when I discovered that the Bond role was something of a moveable feast – in time, anyone could, in theory, get to play Bond. (If you’re white and male – which I fortunately was). Being of an impressionable primary-school age, and prone to massive egotistical delusions, I thought that perhaps…I could play Bond one day!

Of course, some natural disadvantages were working against me – if there’s a spinoff series featuring weedy 5’7’’ Bonds, I’ve yet to see it – but that particular fantasy stands as concrete proof of my fertile imagination.

Still waiting by the phone.

* I know there's probably no Bond movie that starts remotely like this. I was four, for god's sake. Cut me some slack.