Cruel Inventions - Part 2

Household inventions are the cumulation of a long process of gradual perfection. They have been improved incrementally, and these improvements can be undone at a stroke.

Unfortunately, not all inventions are capable of wreaking vengeance as effectively as our friend the pyramadine grater. Here is a short list of everyday inventions that have been destroyed by designers' meddling hands. For your reference, I have also included the specific ways in which I would use these inventions to harm their wretched progenitors.

1. The Torqueless Fork

My workplace possesses forks whose handles have a perfectly round cross-section. Now, forks usually have a handle that is somewhat flat. This allows for manoeuvrability, allowing the user to apply torque to the handle, in accordance to the formula Torque = Force x Distance. As the distance across the handle is about 0.005 cm, and the force applied by an average human hand is around 30 Newtons (I made that up, but it sounds good), the torque generated by a regular fork is 0.15 Newton Metres (Nm).
PHWOOOOAR!, as a reader of 'Street Machine' magazine might say.

But with a circular handle preventing cross-fork leverage, a fork generates no torque. It is the Toyota Celica of forks - a hairdresser's fork.

Vengeance method: Designer to be forked repeatedly.

2. The Nubless Tap

My parents use to possess taps with perfectly smooth, round handles. Again, the evidence suggests that the inventor had not tested invention thoroughly enough: taps worked fine in the dry, but lost traction in the wet.

Vengeance method: Put a well-soaped designer in a small room which is gradually filling with water. The only means of turning off the water is by means of a nubless tap, the handle of which has also been thoroughly soaped. Get out of that one, McGuyver.

3. The Unnecessarily Complex Corkscrew

If, like me, you often wish to empty a bottle of wine of its contents in a hurry, you will be in no mood for corkscrew shenanigans in this time of need.

Corkscrews are simple machines, made even more delightful by their resemblance to a Robot doing starjumps. (Try it at home, and see how many starjumps you can make the little robot do in an hour.)

The complicated corkscrew is designed to increase the status of the head male in the house by making him the sole person capable of understanding its fiendish complexity.

*FLASHBACK*

YOUNG ME: Dad, can you please open this?

DAD (dripping scorn): Can't you open it? Simple turn camshaft A until it re-engages with the friction plate. Then, rotate notched cog B until it initiates the starter relay sequence.

*
Vengeance Method: Inventor is made to walk through desert with a knapsack full of water-filled wine bottles. To overcome thirst, inventor must successfully operate corkscrew. As this is impossible, inventor will perish.