Over the past month, Barack Obama has been undergoing an intensive training regime at the hands of his newly-elected Vice President, Joe Biden. The following is an edited transcript of one of the training days.
In deference to the White House transcription convention first established by Richard Nixon, all expletives and potentially incriminating remarks have been permanently erased from the tape.
BIDEN: We’re gettin’ creamed out there, Barry.
OBAMA: If we tell the truth, the public will –
BIDEN: That’s bulls**t, Obes. F***in’ bulls**t! Howya gonna take this old man on, man?
OBAMA: By methodically and systematically dealing with his points as they are made, preferably in an official setting.
BIDEN: Oh, f**k me. [He picks up a piece of wood]. See this?
OBAMA: Yes, of course, Joseph. I – [Biden smashes the wood violently across his knee.]
BIDEN [satisfied]: God damn! That’s what I’m talkin’ about! See how that p**sweak Motherf***er shattered like a b****h? That’s what ya gotta do to the old man, Barry!
OBAMA: I hardly think that –
BIDEN: Just… pow! Can’t ya feel it runnin’ through ya?
OBAMA: I’m not sure I fully –
BIDEN: You gotta talk the talk, Baz. I talked to a buncha Hicks yesterday, Baz. Know what I said to ‘em? I said:
“If that Barack guy tries to take my f***in’ guns, I’ll kick his skinny little ass. I got 6 fully auto 9mm Berettas under my pillow. My mattress is stuffed with the f***ers, too. My kids use ‘em to shoot bullies and teachers who give ‘em s**t. F***, I’d shoot my own dawg if he barked too f***in’ loud! Goddamn I love shooting stuff!”
Ya just give ‘em a little red meat, Obes. That’s what ya gotta learn.
OBAMA: Just where is this all coming from, exactly? I didn’t have an inkling of this when I nominated you.
BIDEN: Gotta get mad, man. Hicks f***in’ love mad. And we love Hicks – cos we need ‘em. And if you talk to a Hick right, he doesn’t know you’re sh***in’ him. ‘Bitter’ my ass.
OBAMA: That’s hardly a respectful attitude to take to our constituents, Joseph.
BIDEN: Respectful? These guys gave us eight f***in’ years of Monkey nuts in the Oval Office! Have you seen ‘Bloodsport’?
OBAMA: Is that the delightful Daniel Auteil comedy where –
BIDEN: It’s Van Damme, Barry. VAN-god-damn-DAMME! And that’s the last European name you’re gonna utter during this campaign. You gotta get Bloodsport on McCain. Dip those f***in' kid gloves in broken glass!
OBAMA: Do you mean…physically?
BIDEN: You know those goddamn town hall debates they make ya do? Poke him in his sunken chest. He won’t be able to touch ya, ya wiry b****** - he can’t even raise his arms, man! Vietcong got those, you gotta go for the rest. Ya gotta crush him, man – you seen ‘Karate Kid’, even? S***, you even watch TV? Just keep pokin’ him till he explodes. Like Ralph Macchio.
OBAMA: This is ridiculous.
BIDEN [Holding piece of wood aloft]: I wantya to destroy this, ya raky wimp.
OBAMA: Are you serious?
BIDEN: Just snap one of those little girl hands down on it. (Sniggers). That oughta do it.
OBAMA: That’s a sexist slur.
BIDEN: Girl hands.
OBAMA: That’s quite enough. I’m beginning to think you were a bad choice of –
BIDEN: Girly hands.
[In a sudden rage, Obama splits the plank of wood with the edge of his palm].
OBAMA: I… don’t know where that came from.
BIDEN: That was beautiful. You just won South Carolina with that psycho s**t. Now: I’ll be McCain, and you can be you. [Clears throat]. Why the hell should the American people let you run this country, you dainty little p***k?
OBAMA: Because our tax policy will –
BIDEN [Whispers]: You f****in’ crazy, Baz?
OBAMA: The Democratic Party will reform –
BIDEN [Aside]: F***! You wanna lose this or somethin’?
OBAMA: In these uncertain financial times –
BIDEN [Whispers]: One last f****in’ warning, Dead****.
OBAMA: Call me that one more time, and I’ll rip your f***in’ ornamental arms off, McS**t!
BIDEN: Woah! Yeah!
OBAMA: Shrivelled old Mother*****.
BIDEN: Woof!
OBAMA [coming to]: I can’t understand it. Please don’t make me angry like that again.
BIDEN: Channel it, baby, channel it! Red meat, pal!
OBAMA: Kindly desist.
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2 comments:
Very. Bloody. Funny.
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