The ASIO Connection

Scene: KEVIN RUDD is delivering a press release about the new refugee measures.

RUDD: ...and so it’s ‘no more Mr. Nice Guy’. These imposters don’t stand a chance. We’ll throw the book at them. This is our finest hour. [Pause] Alrighty then, folks! [Cheerfully] Any questions?

REPORTER 1: Mr Rudd, do you really think it’s appropriate sending ASIO crack forces to spy on defenceless people who desperately need our help?

RUDD: More than appropriate. It’s fantastic.

REPORTER 1: What do you mean, ‘fantastic’?

RUDD: For the economy. This will cost the taxpayer an absolute bucketload.

REPORTER 1: But...isn’t that a bad thing?

RUDD: No: it’s all part of the stimulus.

REPORTER 1: How does that work, exactly?

RUDD: We throw stacks of your money at useless stuff. The more useless the better!

REPORTER 1: Yes, but...

RUDD: And that gives us stacks more money to buy lots more useless stuff from other countries. And then they buy even more useless stuff from us. Round we go! It’s a great system – have you not read Keynes? [Pause] Oh, you simply must. Hilarious guy! [Chuckles, then quickly assumes sober face] For further details, I refer you to my essay in –

REPORTER 1: Uh, that’s ok, thanks.

RUDD: Anyone else?

REPORTER 2: But isn’t the whole motion highly unethical?

RUDD: Everything that we do is ethical. [Smiles benevolently while interlocking fingers together in ‘joining’ motion.] Absolutely everything. We’re the ALP: the party of the people. Of you and me. Us.

REPORTER 2: The more cynical among us would say that you’re trying to repeat Howard’s trick of demonising refugees for your own political gain.

RUDD: Well, that simply isn’t true. I don’t even like cricket.

REPORTER 2: Does the phrase, “We decide the people who come into this country and the circumstances in which we come” ring a bell?

RUDD: This is totally different. Gee whiz, folks!

REPORTER 2: So why ASIO?

RUDD: They are among our greatest Australians. [Under breath]: Those reffos should be grateful. [Aloud]: We look forward to a co-synergetic relationship evolving between these two valuable communities.

REPORTER 2: Are you worried about the fact that ASIO are notoriously inept?

RUDD: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[The meeting is interrupted by an ASIO operative descending from the ceiling on a rope. He is wearing a burglar’s mask and a black-and-white striped shirt.]

ASIO OPERATIVE: K-man! [Attempts complicated secret handshake, which is rebuffed by a frostily unreceptive RUDD.] Whaddaya think of the new uniform? [Modestly] Designed by moi, natch.

RUDD: Roger, this is not an appropriate time.

ASIO OPERATIVE: Sorry. Could you offer your advice on a...certain departmental matter?

RUDD: Well, I suppose this might be a good opportunity to discuss this complex new policy at a valuable public forum.

ASIO OPERATIVE: Totally. I have, uh, several alternative policy outcomes I would like you to examine.

RUDD: Well, ok. As long as it’s strictly related.

ASIO OPERATIVE: [Excitedly opening a packet of false moustaches]. Oh, I love this. This is awesome.

RUDD: I don’t see how this is –

ASIO OPERATIVE: Ok. Ok. Which one do you like the best? [Rapidly puts on each moustache in turn.] Curly? Bushy? Straight? Hitler? Strongman? Walrus?

RUDD: You’re wearing fake moustaches on board refugee boats?

ASIO OPERATIVE [nervously]: Yeah. [Long pause.] Uh, isn’t that what we’re supposed to be doing? [Pause.] Does that mean we have to ditch the tea-towels as well?

RUDD [hurriedly]: What have you found out?

ASIO OPERATIVE: So far, our reconnaissance missions have revealed lots and lots of important facts.

RUDD: Facts? What facts?

ASIO OPERATIVE [changing subject]: Hey, look: my pen turns into a flick-knife. Cool, eh?

RUDD: Please. Discuss your findings to the gallery.

ASIO OPERATIVE: OK. All on the QT, mind.

RUDD: Of course.

ASIO OPERATIVE: Well – for starters, they’re pretty skinny.

RUDD: Whom?

ASIO OPERATIVE: The terrorists, of course!

RUDD: Refugees. Call them refugees, Steven.

ASIO OPERATIVE: You said that they would blow the place sky-high if we let ‘em off the boat.

RUDD: That’s enough. What else?

ASIO OPERATIVE: A lot have scary beards. And a high proportion of them seem to come from...

RUDD [eagerly]: Yes?

ASIO OPERATIVE: Overseas.

RUDD: ‘Most’?

ASIO OPERATIVE: Well, some of them were from Australia. [Long pause] Actually, now I think about it, all the ones from Australia were ASIO operatives.

RUDD: Anything else?

ASIO OPERATIVE: Yes. Something very important. There’s a serious problem at Christmas Island.

RUDD: A riot?

ASIO OPERATIVE: Worse. Much worse.

RUDD: How could it be worse?

ASIO OPERATIVE [in stage whisper]: Santa’s gone missing. [Long silence]. There is a Santa, isn’t there? [Longer silence].

RUDD: Well...

ASIO OPERATIVE [crestfallen]: Worst. Day. Ever. [He shimmies up the rope and disappears into ceiling cavity, leaving RUDD alone on stage.]