The Book of TIMOTHY
Chapter I
1. My change of heart did come while reading the Holy Book, The God Delusion. After reading this sacred tome, I learned that it was intended to turn people away from the Lord; however, its sweet, plummy, well-articulated words only brought me closer to Him.
2. The prophet Dawkins was in error. He wrote, ‘there is just as much reason to believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster as there is to believe in God.’ Yet this message did evade me, just as wisdom evades a blonde heiress to a massive hotel fortune.
3. I did read instead, I confess, ‘one should believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster instead of God.’ This message I understood; but accepting the Spaghetti Monster as my saviour, regrettably, caused me great hardship.
4. Being a devotee of the wise biologist, I underwent a great Conversion on the road to Delicious.
5. My path to faith was strewn with briars and nettles, which is why it is usually left to the insane. There was a grave absence of churches in which to preach.
6. After much thought, I realized that the best place to set alight the flame of belief in the Holy Church Of The Flying Spaghetti Monster was at the nearest Safeway, where the relevant ingredients would be ready to hand.
7. Venturing forth, I established my church in the pasta aisle. Unfortunately, the materials available to me were the work of Satan (durum wheat being not suitable for construction).
8. Nevertheless, there was much work to be done, but there was not time to find substitute ingredients.
Chapter II
1. Well aware of the urgency of my task, I hastily constructed a primitive altar from Lasagne sheets, gluing the holy corners together with pesto, as willed by the Lord for the Ark of the Covenant:
1. Well aware of the urgency of my task, I hastily constructed a primitive altar from Lasagne sheets, gluing the holy corners together with pesto, as willed by the Lord for the Ark of the Covenant:
And thou shall make an ark of shittim wood: two cubits and a half shall be the
length thereof, and a cubit and a half be the breadth thereof; and a cubit and a
half the height thereof (Exodus 30:2).
2. And you will note that it was Noah’s ark that was made of Gopher wood – not out of Gophers, as is commonly thought, as they were saved, because they were cuddly. (Moses’ ark was made of shittim wood, which is why it was unsturdy).
3. Yet my Tabernacle was a lot smaller than that specified in the book, as the Lord did not provide puff pastry cases for the purpose.
3. Yet my Tabernacle was a lot smaller than that specified in the book, as the Lord did not provide puff pastry cases for the purpose.
4. And I was forced to make one from two conchiglio rigates, united together with sacred tomato paste.
5. And I did simulate incense by burning grated parmesan cheese, and swung the censer enthusiastically from a strand of cooked Spaghetti.
6. But this device soon crumbled, as the cooked pasta was flimsy.
7. And the censer did whiz off the spaghetti and splatter on the lino, and the staff did give me a most grievous look.
8. There was also much trouble obtaining the bone of St. Paul Newman for the altar, as he is not yet departed.
9. And I was most unjustly slandered and mocked, at first, as with all the chosen, but soon there arose a small yet dedicated following. (The supermarket was to be entered after dusk, so as to avoid encountering heretics.)
10. But the supermarket was a most excellent site for a pilgrimage, as there is little hardship: one can buy beer, get cash out, and have one’s prescription filled in between prayers.
5. And I did simulate incense by burning grated parmesan cheese, and swung the censer enthusiastically from a strand of cooked Spaghetti.
6. But this device soon crumbled, as the cooked pasta was flimsy.
7. And the censer did whiz off the spaghetti and splatter on the lino, and the staff did give me a most grievous look.
8. There was also much trouble obtaining the bone of St. Paul Newman for the altar, as he is not yet departed.
9. And I was most unjustly slandered and mocked, at first, as with all the chosen, but soon there arose a small yet dedicated following. (The supermarket was to be entered after dusk, so as to avoid encountering heretics.)
10. But the supermarket was a most excellent site for a pilgrimage, as there is little hardship: one can buy beer, get cash out, and have one’s prescription filled in between prayers.
Chapter III
1. All things must pass, alas, and the peaceful gatherings in aisle three did subside.
2. Soon there arose a great schism within my church. A rival faction grew, claiming that my teachings had become detached from the lives of everyday shoppers.
3. And the chief heathen did believe that representing the pasta on the box was idolatrous. 4. And this man set up a congregation to rival my own, and rechristened his deity the ‘Macaroni and Cheese Overlord.’
1. All things must pass, alas, and the peaceful gatherings in aisle three did subside.
2. Soon there arose a great schism within my church. A rival faction grew, claiming that my teachings had become detached from the lives of everyday shoppers.
3. And the chief heathen did believe that representing the pasta on the box was idolatrous. 4. And this man set up a congregation to rival my own, and rechristened his deity the ‘Macaroni and Cheese Overlord.’
5. He concealed his God’s face from his followers, replacing it with the Holy Text, ‘Home Brand’.
6. This man represented his grievances in the ‘95 Artichokes of Faith’, which he endeavoured to display at the temple’s entrance.
6. This man represented his grievances in the ‘95 Artichokes of Faith’, which he endeavoured to display at the temple’s entrance.
7. However, nailing even a single artichoke to an automatic glass door is not easy.
8. Every time he did swing the hammer, the door opened and he fell over, causing much laughter among his flock. After much wailing and gnashing of teeth, and an occasional breast-beating, he did cut a deal with a checkout maiden.
9. And he did stick the artichokes on a pizza base, and she did duly hang it above her cash register, for all to behold. And our warring houses were at peace.
8. Every time he did swing the hammer, the door opened and he fell over, causing much laughter among his flock. After much wailing and gnashing of teeth, and an occasional breast-beating, he did cut a deal with a checkout maiden.
9. And he did stick the artichokes on a pizza base, and she did duly hang it above her cash register, for all to behold. And our warring houses were at peace.
Chapter IV
1. For a time after the Great Schism, our two churches coexisted peacefully.
2. But there soon came another group, who refused to witness the pasta-based nature of the Godhead.
3. And we understood that we should smite them most unpleasantly.
4. This church was not at first apparent, as it was located down the other end of the aisle. Yet I soon found their leader, met him, and broke ciabatta with him, and we did dip it in HOMMUS.
5. He soon told me that their God was made of long-grain brown rice, and most strenuously denied my retort that he was of the 4-minute microwave variety.
6. His heathen ways did offend me grievously. I thus made my peace with the Macaroni overlord, in the name of pasta-based solidarity. The great war between the two faiths also caused great consternation among non-believers in the temple.
7. This was mainly because we were blocking their trolleys.
1. For a time after the Great Schism, our two churches coexisted peacefully.
2. But there soon came another group, who refused to witness the pasta-based nature of the Godhead.
3. And we understood that we should smite them most unpleasantly.
4. This church was not at first apparent, as it was located down the other end of the aisle. Yet I soon found their leader, met him, and broke ciabatta with him, and we did dip it in HOMMUS.
5. He soon told me that their God was made of long-grain brown rice, and most strenuously denied my retort that he was of the 4-minute microwave variety.
6. His heathen ways did offend me grievously. I thus made my peace with the Macaroni overlord, in the name of pasta-based solidarity. The great war between the two faiths also caused great consternation among non-believers in the temple.
7. This was mainly because we were blocking their trolleys.
Chapter V
1. The alliance against Rice was unstable, because my flock could not long remain united with the Home Brand Church of the Macaroni and Cheese Overlord.
2. And the Macaroni followers did believe that the ‘End Times’ would soon arrive, at which point a great discount would be offered on all the products in the Kosher aisle.
3. Some souls even said there would be up to 50% off; but these unruly heathens were shouted down by the more reasonable elements of the Macaroni congregation.
4. Those of the Macaroni faith claimed that when this great discount arose, a great flock of shoppers would be able to return to the Kosher aisle, from which they had fled, having been driven out by unaffordable Bagel prices.
5. After returning, this flock would realize that kosher food was most unpalatable; and they would begin to devour Macaroni and cheese most gladly.
6. But the Macaroni flock hoped that the kosher aisle would then be taken over by the pasta, and the rice section would be relocated to the back of store, near the baby food.
6. And this event would be heralded by four toddlers in trolleys, as has been foretold.
7. The kosher shoppers were wandering in the dairy section, and they were waiting for the chosen time, and they did have more than 12 items in their baskets. And the express lane was blocked to them.
1. The alliance against Rice was unstable, because my flock could not long remain united with the Home Brand Church of the Macaroni and Cheese Overlord.
2. And the Macaroni followers did believe that the ‘End Times’ would soon arrive, at which point a great discount would be offered on all the products in the Kosher aisle.
3. Some souls even said there would be up to 50% off; but these unruly heathens were shouted down by the more reasonable elements of the Macaroni congregation.
4. Those of the Macaroni faith claimed that when this great discount arose, a great flock of shoppers would be able to return to the Kosher aisle, from which they had fled, having been driven out by unaffordable Bagel prices.
5. After returning, this flock would realize that kosher food was most unpalatable; and they would begin to devour Macaroni and cheese most gladly.
6. But the Macaroni flock hoped that the kosher aisle would then be taken over by the pasta, and the rice section would be relocated to the back of store, near the baby food.
6. And this event would be heralded by four toddlers in trolleys, as has been foretold.
7. The kosher shoppers were wandering in the dairy section, and they were waiting for the chosen time, and they did have more than 12 items in their baskets. And the express lane was blocked to them.
Chapter VI
1. The dispute did soon descend into great civil strife, and much fear and loathing was expressed between Spaghetti, Macaroni, Kosher, and Rice.
2. And the Macaroni Overlord’s followers projected flaming anchovies at the followers of Rice, who responded in kind with scalding spoonfuls of curry sauce. And there was much hardship, and much stinging of eyeballs, and a scandalously tasty aroma.
3. And bagels were thrown also, and they did hit the followers of Rice with much force, especially if the bagels were TOASTED.
3. And watching quietly when this was occurring was the Church of the Earthly Noodle, which was located next to the freezer section.
4. And the church of the earthly noodle was peaceful, and they did not participate in cereal-based violence, and Richard of Gere did listen to them, and many bad Hollywood actors did follow him.
5. But this was only because they were located next to the ice cream.
1. The dispute did soon descend into great civil strife, and much fear and loathing was expressed between Spaghetti, Macaroni, Kosher, and Rice.
2. And the Macaroni Overlord’s followers projected flaming anchovies at the followers of Rice, who responded in kind with scalding spoonfuls of curry sauce. And there was much hardship, and much stinging of eyeballs, and a scandalously tasty aroma.
3. And bagels were thrown also, and they did hit the followers of Rice with much force, especially if the bagels were TOASTED.
3. And watching quietly when this was occurring was the Church of the Earthly Noodle, which was located next to the freezer section.
4. And the church of the earthly noodle was peaceful, and they did not participate in cereal-based violence, and Richard of Gere did listen to them, and many bad Hollywood actors did follow him.
5. But this was only because they were located next to the ice cream.
4 comments:
I found when building my church that if you cook the spaghetti first (al dente) and then model the cooked spaghetti over a frame and wait until it dries again it can make a very sturdy and aesthetically pleasing religious structure.
you and your spaghetti. watch this:
http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=6547174
-rachel
Not so cranky; abundantly crackpot.
Smite is my favourite Biblical word. Followed by Pharisee and cubit.
This comment is without relevance, but deserves an airing all the same. Tim, you old cad, keep up the highly entertaining contributions.
I'm looking forward to the spoken-word cassette version, hopefully to be read by Darth Vader... "When you hear this sound 'aaarrrrggghhhhh', it's time to turn the page".
Sorry - too many homebrews.
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